Diary Of A Raving Mystic

It's been a while so I figured I would update.
Life is good.
My boyfriend Jacob is the bomb diggity most awesomest wonderful guy ever.
We're looking at a cottage on Capitol Hill tomorrow.
Work is going well. I'm still on nights, but am switching to having Friday night and Saturday night off. I'm also going to be lead Technologist on nights which means more pay. Yay!!
I am missing western ny summers right now, with all the wonderful thunderstorms that tend to occur. I'm missing my family terribly and really want to see them soon. I may go for a few days at the end of August, beginning of September and see if Jacob has the time to go with. My family wants to meet him. So yep, everything seems right with the world at the present time.

how could i not be crazy for a guy with a sense of humour:

and who says things to me like this:
"Your smile impacts me more than a coronal mass ejection affects the magnetic fields of earth, your eyes are more transfixing than a solar eclipse through aurora borealis, and finally, your charismatic personality is impossible to resist perpetual orbiting around. As long as the sun burns (5 billion years from now?) I am daft for you."

king solomon's mines...exit 75...i'm still alive

i had a date last evening. he's very nice, very cute and very funny. i'm crossing my fingers.

You Are Most Like Charlotte!

You are the ultimate romantic idealist You've been hurt before, but that hasn't caused you to give up on love. If anything, your resolve to fall in love is stronger than ever. And it's this feminine optimism that men find most appealing about you. Romantic prediction: That guy you are seeing (or crushing on)? Could be very serious - if you play your cards right!

Not sayin'
Not charmed at all
Not sayin'
that you weren't worth
the fall
But I was alone when
I knew it was real
Down the canyon
when I knew I had come

To the line
Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn
When you said --

You could drive
all night
Drive all night

So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just
unzip your religion
down"

Found that I
I craved at all
Saw me melt
into your
native shelter
Where you carved my
name
Paper tigers scare
and came

Alive
Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn
When you said --

You could drive
all night
Drive all night

So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just
unzip your religion
down"
So I let Crazy
pull me in
Then I let Crazy
take his spin
Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just unzip
your religion
down"
Heard that you were once
Temptation's Girl"

And as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head
He will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
If I know Crazy

god i hope there will be somewhere today that won't have hearts up all over the place and overly cheery sugared up lovey doveys. someone asked me about valentine's day at work and i mentioned that i don't really celebrate it, and they said well that's why you just buy chocolate for yourself....and in my mind i'm thinking, uh yeah right why don't i just go eat my feelings? that's how i was almost 300 pounds. i don't eat my feelings anymore. so no, aaron will not be consuming pity me chocolate this valentine's day. i just don't think it's a fair holiday.

Heart, we will forget him!
Emily Dickinson

Heart, we will forget him!
You and I, tonight!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done, pray tell me,
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging,
I may remember him!






------------------------------------------
almost a month after I was hired by Virginia Mason, I now get an e-mail from UW Medical Center wanting to interview me......sigh. They snoozed, they loosed.

Your _____ is ...
Your Information
Name:
Results
Your kiss is ...	bold
Your hugs are ...	enveloping
Your eyes ...	light up the day
Your touch is ...	gentle
Your smell is ...	refreshing
Your smile is ...	kind
Your love is ...	boundless
contact tables | free ringtones | free quizzes

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Well I had my first day of work today. Orientation and then my training began. So for the next two months I'll be working M-F 7am-3:30pm. All I can say is that I'm really excited. The people I have met so far in the lab are incredibly nice people. Walking to catch the bus back home, I felt so firm in my decision. Happiness is coming, but I can definately feel the start of it. I'm excited about working in the city, I'll be even more excited when I start living in it too. I love my friends here in the dorm at Bastyr, but I do need to get out of here. I have a couple of places I want to look at tomorrow...their adds on craigslist looked really good....so we'll see tomorrow. Until then, I'm exhausted, happily. I finally feel that I am starting to regain my independence. And while other things in my life are very uncertain and difficult to deal with right now, I can say that I am happy in what I have chosen to do; work and live. The rest will come at the appropriate time.

no, not my book, that's going to take alot more time as i am thinking i want to tell it from a different view point. but i did finish a book of poems titled "Lacquered Memories." It's 21 of my better poems...not very long, but it is afterall just a book of poems. Not sure what I'm going to do with it. I don't dare send it anywhere for fear of being ripped to shreds, but maybe that's what i need to become better. But I bound them together and created a make shift cover...it looks nice to me :)

I just got a call today from the Virginia Mason Medical Center! I'm going in for an interview at their Laboratory on Monday!

Yes, that's right folks, it's intervention time in my life. I've decided to go through with decision that I have been thinking about for a year now. So I don't want to go into details, but it's going to be a pretty big time of transition in my life right now. I'm not leaving Seattle or anything. I'm not becoming a woman either!!! hahaha. I'm just going to start living my life instead of staying somewhere because it's convienent. So, woohoo! Here's Aaron....gonna start living his life and taking risks! And no, I'm not becoming a prostitute or man-whore either.

Find your own pose!

Oddly, if I'm on my back, this is the sleeping pose I like when sleeping with someone. I'm a back, side and sometimes belly sleeper. Though my favorite position, is the classic spoon with legs wrapped around each other.

Chapter Two
Beep beep beep beep. Snooze. Why the fuck did I set my alarm clock? I don’t have to get up. I sat up in bed and quickly laid back down to assuage the pounding going on in my head. Holy shit. I bring myself out of bed but am keeping myself low to the ground for fear of the hammers returning. Upon reaching the bathroom I immediately swallow some aspirin and wash my face. Oh god. There’s the mirror. Yuck. I look haggard. I need some coffee. On goes the bathrobe and the bunny slippers. Shut up. In the kitchen, I open cupboards and realize that I have nothing to eat and no coffee. I need to lay down. On TV some parade is going on. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Shut up you asshole! Flip flip flip flip. My phone rings.

“Hello darling! Merry Christmas!”
“Mom! Hi Mom! How are you?” I replied.
“Oh doing just fine. Your father and I just had breakfast and opened our gifts. He gave me something quite naughty this year.”
“Mom, I really don’t-”
“I hope you like what I got you for Christmas this year. I couldn’t fit it in a package.” she said.
“Oh. Well how do I get it?” I asked
“You need to go to the coffee shop you always go to on 5th.” she replied.
“Mom….what is it?”
“Just be there at 2pm tomorrow.”
“Mom, you aren’t pulling on me what you did on my birthday are you?”
“Oh darling-”
“Because I refuse to go on another blind date. The last guy you set me up with still lives with his mother and collects GI Joes. The guy before that was a complete alcoholic. And, the guy before that barfed all over me before I even said hello. Let’s face it Mom…we do not have the same taste in men.”
“Well, honey, I just want you to be happy.”
“Thanks Mom, but I am done. D-O-N-E. I am happily single with no desire to ever set eyes on another guy again. So please, do me a favor and call whomever you are setting me up with and tell him that I am NOT interested.”
“Alright darling…will do.” she sighed.
“Thank you. Now, I have to get ready for the day…I’m supposed to have lunch with Jeannine this afternoon. I’ll call you soon. Love you.”
“Love you too dear.”

God, I love my mom, but what the hell. Seriously. After a few more minutes of channel flipping I decide to climb back upstairs and shower. The water is fucking cold. God dammit. For some strange reason, the water heater in my complex always seems to be on the fritz. I’d say three days out of seven I can take a hot shower. Shivering, the fevered search for something to wear begins. I haven’t done laundry in about two weeks. I’m running low on fashionable items but find something reasonable to work with. I always love having lunch with Jeannine. Jeannine is my best girlfriend. She’s gotten me through some pretty rough times; especially after Brian. She too was going through a rough break-up. Her boyfriend cheated on her with another guy. Apparently he just “forgot” to mention to her that he was bisexual. She now has a rather bad opinion of bisexuals, stating that “bi’s always end up saying bye-bye.” Jeannine works at Sephora. I love going in there while she is working. Once in a while we can gossip. I pretend I’m a customer needing help and she comes and fills me in on the latest news while I spritz on some designer cologne that I would never be able to afford. Jeannine is also slightly manic depressive. Luckily, our moods seem to coincide most of the time. I’m meeting her at our favorite restaurant on Broadway, Lily’s. It’s actually where we met. I was drinking coffee trying to write some poetry. She was eating. I spilled the coffee all over me. She ran at me with a napkin saying, “honey honey are you alright?” She asked me out, I said I was gay, she looked disappointed, then smiled and said, “let’s be best friends then.” I agreed. A gay man needs his girlfriend. They get each other through the hard times, they enjoy the good times. It’s like a hetero-sexual marriage without the sex, babies, and financial arguments. A fag and his hag is the perfect union. Boyfriends will leave you, parents will drive you nuts, jobs will be lost, weight will be gained, but your girlfriend will always love you and be there no matter what with a lit cigarette and a glass of wine in hand. She’ll never lie to you when you look bad, she’ll cry with you at sad movies, she’ll take you shopping when you’re depressed and eat ice cream straight out the container with you when give up and say, “let’s just get fat.”
Bundled up against the cold, I step out the door. As usual, there’s a constant drizzle outside. I love where I live though, up on 15th. Everything I need is within reach. My favorite place to go grocery shopping is this cute little natural foods store nearby. I know I’m not really what they call, “organic,” or “crunchy,” but the one guy that works at the register is really cute and is always really nice to me.
Everything is really hazy today. Buildings are covered with a film of grey. I swear, after living in Seattle for a while, you start to see all the different shades of grey that are possible. Broadway is slightly busy for Christmas Day. Couples are walking hand in hand, a meth addict walks past me ticking and mumbling to himself. Brenda, the homeless woman I always see at the bus stop is working on getting some change. I like Brenda. I met her at that bus stop one evening. I was carrying a bunch of books which I dropped. She helped me pick them up. She told me she was homeless. I took her to dinner that evening and heard her story. Her husband left her, took their kids and all the money. Her family disowned her when she was a teenager because she got pregnant. She had no one. After her husband left her, she got hit by a bus. She was left slightly mentally disabled and lost a lot of reasoning ability. She couldn’t hold a job. She lost everything. She’s so honest and such a wonderful person. When I do run into her, I always make sure to give her a couple of dollars to get something to eat. I went over to her.

“Merry Christmas Brenda”
“Hey sweet-pea, Merry Christmas to you” she replied.
“Well, I’m in a hurry but I saw you over here and I wanted to give you this.” I handed her some money. “Go and get something to eat babe. And make sure you get into a shelter!” I said.
“Thanks honey. But don’t you worry about me, I always get by. How long have I been doing this now?”
“I know I know. You take care of yourself B.”
“You too darlin. Hey, when are you going to find yourself a new man?”
“Never, B. Never” I replied.
“Oh he’s out there sugar plum. Just you wait.” I politely nodded and walked away.

As I walked into the restaurant, Jeannine was sitting in a booth waiting for me. She had obviously been crying.
“Hey babe, what’s going on?” I inquired.
“Oh you know, nothing.” She suppressed a sob. “I got a phone call from Leo today. He all of sudden wants to get back together with me. He misses me. What a line of crap. Yet I’m sitting here actually considering it! What the fuck is wrong with me?”
I tried to suppress the rolling of my eyes. “Honey, I’ve been there, and it’s so tempting. However, you know as well as I do that getting back together with Leo the Loser would be the wrong thing to do.”
“I know I know.” she replied. “I guess I’m just really missing him. Well, not really missing him. I suppose I’m missing the idea of him. You know?”
“Oh sure. You miss the good points. You miss the intimacy. Sometimes we don’t really miss the person, we miss the possible future that we might have had with that person. It’s a big change honey. But I know that you are going to find someone who will love you and treat you well. You deserve nothing less than the best. Hey, whatever happened to that barista guy?” I asked.
“Who? Jon? Oh god, absolutely not. We had one date and he deserted me! I went to the ladies room and when I came back he was gone. Can you believe that? At least he paid for the check. I bet he left with that waitress girl he had been eyeing all through dinner. She did conveniently mention that she was getting off work very soon. What a fucking asshole.” she said.
“What a sleaze.” I added. “Why don’t we just forget about men? I decided to do that last night. No more men. Come on Jeannine, let’s make 2006 just about us. I want to save money and go on a cruise. Wanna go?”
“Ethan, you know that I am completely broke and am going to be for a long time. I’m still paying off my college loans and dealing with the massive credit card debt that I managed to rack up in my stupid years.” She said.
“Well, maybe no cruise then, but god dammit, we don’t need men. We have each other.”
“I know babe. What would I do without my Ethan?” she said.
“What would I do without my Jeannine. I love you girl.”
“I love you too babe. Let’s eat.”

Jeannine filled me in on all the latest gossip at work. I didn’t know anyone she was talking about but it was entertaining meal conversation. She then told me about her parents. It turns out on Christmas Eve, while she was up in Everett visiting them, her parents decided that they were going to divorce. “Divorce after 30 fucking years! Can you believe that? I guess I don’t really care. I mean, personally, I don’t think they were ever right for each other, but they were functional. I’m not sad or anything….just sorta wigged out.” She went on to tell me about her brother, Michael who was getting married next fall, and her sister Beth who decided to go back to school for Interior Design. After lunch, we stepped out onto Broadway and found an empty table on East Roy where we sat down and shared a smoke. “Ethan, have you ever thought the universe was laughing at you? Punishing you for being a fool, for thinking that your life was going to be just fine? I swear that every time I decide to make a change in my life, the universe decides to undo it.”
“Ha ha, I know for a fact that the universe works against us. What I don’t know, is how to play against the universe. I think maybe the way to win against it is to decide that no matter what it throws at you, you make the best out of it and laugh in it’s face.” I said. She laughed and agreed.

This book will be dedicated to all single gay men who are worth more than they think. I write for the un-loved, the scorned, the unlucky ones, and those victims of unrequited love.



The setting is Seattle at Christmas, at the end of the year 2005. I’ve decided it much better to overindulge in a large package of Oreos rather than deal with experiencing another Christmas alone. I put in a movie; sappy of course. I’m not really watching it. It’s a distraction, along with the Oreos and the enormous glass of wine I’m clutching in my hands. My cell phone sits close at hand. I’m hoping someone will call me and invite me somewhere. It’s getting late. It’s not going to happen. Even more pathetic, the person I’m hoping that calls is my ex-boyfriend, Brian. God, I’ve always said an ex is an ex for a reason. Still, company is company. Though, he would come over; we’d shag…it would mean more to me than him. The vicious cycle starts over again.
I light a cigarette and put it down. The hetero couple in the movie kisses. I sigh, pull my comforter around myself and clutch my pillow close to my body in fervent desire.
I am a victim, I tell myself, of falling in love over and over again with the wrong people. You see, I’m what they call a nice guy. I am telling you right now, the nice guy hardly ever wins. The nice guy always falls for the asshole. I swear it’s some sort of fucking balancing thing in the universe. The problem with the universe is that it’s stupid. Balance is great, but when it comes to love, yin and yang do not mix. Brian was definitely the yang of the relationship. Hot headed, impulsive and a fucking liar. He used me, I know it; but god was he great in bed. He had great points at first. He was charming, he liked me, he seemed to take an interest in what I do for a living (a journalist…well actually, I write obituaries for the local paper). However, he quickly realized that I was nice and decided to walk all over me. I’m sure you want to hear about it. It all ended one evening that started out rather lovely. I was out with my best girlfriend at a Capitol Hill bar, and I came home to find Brian fucking my roommate Joe. Believe me, it was sight to see. I never screamed that loud when Brian was shagging me, so obviously he was pulling some new tricks. Needless to say, Brian was quickly dumped and Joe put out…pardon the pun.
So blah blah blah, I’m pitying myself on Christmas Eve, eating myself into oblivion, drinking myself shit to the wall, and hoping someone will pay attention to me.
The movie is starting to bore me. I decided to listen to some Frou Frou and plan out my life. Another glass of wine is poured and I have pen and paper in my hand. I swear on my life 2006 is going to be a great year. A great SINGLE year. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be single. However, I shall make the best of it.
1) Write more poetry
2) Take the money I spend on cigarettes and alcohol and use it for a cruise to Mexico.
3) No more eating packages of Oreos
4) Use public transportation more
5) Call my mom more than once a month
6) DO NOT FALL IN LOVE

I, Ethan Phillips, will NOT fall in love. I don’t care how charming he is, how cute he is, and how good he treats me. I will NOT fall in love. I hate all men, except myself. Men are disgusting, except for myself. All they do is fart in bed, burp, spit, and never clean…..except for myself. Therefore, the single life is what I want. I want to eat whatever I want. If I don’t feel like cleaning my bedroom or changing my sheets for a month, then so be it. I will eat garlic every night. And, what is even better, I am going to become exceptionally sexy and workout everyday so I can make all the men that pass me on the street, want me. But the great thing is, is that they won’t be able to have me. That’s right girls, I am going to make all men pay for their evil deeds.
Of course, I am saying this now, but it’s drunken babble. But, give me this moment of strength and courage….even if it is wine-induced. I’ll be able to go to bed at least thinking I’m going to change for the better. Speaking of which, I should do so. So, goodnight all you lucky people. Lucky lovers who at this moment are clutching your boyfriends tightly on this Christmas Eve. Go shag, go have fun, express to each other your love. I’m going to bed where I will most certainly cry once I’ve pulled the covers up over me and realize how alone I really am.

i decided a while ago to get to reading for enjoyment again. i used to read all the time and then started ignoring it. i forgot just how wonderful reading a novel can be. so i decided that i would read at least one to two chapters a night before i went to bed, and also read whenever i was waiting for something, or had some free time that wasn't enough to study. so i have a small aresenal of books here at school courtesy of the thrift shop down the road. i bought a few novels there, and plan on bringing some more back with me from home. i just finished "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant. This is probably one of the most beautifully written, intriguing books i have read in a very long time. The last time i felt like this after reading a novel was when I finished "Pigs in Heaven" by Barbara Kingsolver. She also wrote "The Poisonwood Bible" which is fabulous as well. So i definately suggest you read "The Red Tent" if you haven't. It's a truly beautiful story that is a new telling of a very old tale. Go out and buy it, take it out from the library or borrow it from a friend....you will not be disappointed. I started a new novel tonight. "The Book of Ruth" by Jane Hamilton. It already sounds excellent. And now, 'tis time for me to go to bed.

at certain moments
I remember the oddest things-
the feeling of clear, cold
water poured over rough,
dry hands-
the scent that’s left on the skin
after being kissed deeply-
how when I wanted to speak
my words never ripened enough
to fall from my mouth,
an indehiscent flower-
the time when I was nine
when I killed a toad
with a stone.
it’s scream, indelible in my mind-
the last breath drawn by a
loved one as they
floated into peace-
the look of disbelief in your eyes
as I stated my insignificance-
the smell of fresh shit from
a cooing baby-

I’ve searched up and down,
in and out,
for uniqueness in my life-
my fear is drowning in normalcy
and being overwhelmingly queer-
I’m confused by my fear of a god
that I cannot believe exits-
I fear the hell of an unspoken past-
things which I still cannot speak of.

soon-
(I will open freshly-
and my words will be sweet
like tuberose)
I will air the laundry-
hell, I’ll hang myself to dry,
and let the breezes of the day
scent me with their clean bouquet-
and your acceptance will be
sweet, like unguent.

a favorite opera by Samuel Barber. the lyrics to one lovely aria sung by Vanessa, appropriate for the weather and my location in the woods:

Must The Winter Come So Soon?

Must the winter come soon?
Night after night I hear the hungry deer
wander weeping in the woods.
And from his house of brittle bark
Hoots the frozen owl.
Must the winter come so soon?
Here in this forest
Neither dawn nor sunset
marks the passing of the days.
It is a long winter here.
Must the winter come so soon?

it's snowing!
i had a fabulous thanksgiving with jeff.
and now, it's Sunday...time to get prepared for another school week. only two weeks left! i suppose that's all for right now.